Rage. Anger. Madness.
“You won’t like me when I’m angry.”
Have you ever been so mad that you can literally feel the your heart pounding the blood through every tiny blood vessel in your body? Your skin tingling from the intensity of it? Your face hot from trying to hold it in?
It’s both a powerful and disgusting feeling.
I hate it.
Before my transplant, I didn’t typically get mad easily. After transplant, everything is different. Now, someone can have bad breath around me, and I suddenly feel like I want to rip their face off! I’ve heard this from many other patients. I don’t know if it’s the drugs, the hormone changes, recipient antibodies fighting mine, or what.
I wish I knew.
I absolutely hate being mad.
I hate being angry for any reason, but I especially hate it when I’m mad at another person. When you’re mad at someone, it makes you feel helpless, disconnected, isolated. It makes me feel like less of a person.
I know some people say that all emotions are useful, and I know those people reading this would probably argue that anger is useful, too. I guess it has won me some arguments with customer service reps on occasion. So there’s that…
But overall I see no use for my unacquitted episodes of rage other than my embarrassment and the need for increased arrhythmia medications.
And so I sit here in the car, trying to swallow this hot, tingling, bold emotion down through my chest into my stomach so it doesn’t emerge into the open. The last thing I need is another outburst in public – a bold, embarrassing tirade; hands flailing, and words flying – an angry regret notch to add to my humiliating belt.
Besides, green isn’t really my color, anyway.